Thoughts
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Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration