Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
You Might Also Like
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.