Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
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The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*