We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
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I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
This is my bus stop.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often