*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
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I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Simple
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
This line from Airplane.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it