BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
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Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)