10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
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my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*