My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
You Might Also Like
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.