My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
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JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.