Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
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The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
😂😂
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.