Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
You Might Also Like
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.