Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
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This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?