“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
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bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Phones down.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it