Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
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You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
yeah 😭
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
You are not alone 💚
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.