Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
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I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country