Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
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Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?