I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
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I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”