You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
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Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
My background check bounced.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”