I just love that new Pope smell.
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Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.