lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
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I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
sleeping beauty
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life