Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
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I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
This is my cat’s medicine.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage