If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
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Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string