she would like to bark at the manager, please.
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using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta