Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
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I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
So true for me
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
“A little help here, Danny?”
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw