obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
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Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.