My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
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A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
figuring out my emotional availability:
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
🤣dope
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “