[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
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Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Rambo Rambow
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
even bears disappoint their mothers
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.