Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
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Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
as is their right
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.