Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
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It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Something Saturday.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol