Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
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Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
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