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There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.