[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
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i think my razor is having a panic attack
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.