I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
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husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Battery falling down a hole
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store