Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
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Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )