*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
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[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers