Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
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No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?