I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
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There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Fries, not lies.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.