Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
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Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
early stone age tool
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”