*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
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jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.