Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
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[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.