Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
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It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.