That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
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I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
12653.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.