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This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.