i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
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(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.