casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
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[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Cinematography is my passion
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
m’lady
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.