John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
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[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Godspeed, John Glenn
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
i love modern commerce
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.