“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
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[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.