Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
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SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.