Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
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Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning