Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
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The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything